The next day

20 days later...

I had good intentions. I was going to make this a regular thing from the off, commit, get my story out there...

Something I've always struggled with since jumping onto this downward slope is committing to new things. I've tried to learn languages, pick up new skills, read and understand new things but always struggle to stick with them for a sustained period of time. I'm quick to reach a point where it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, I'm not going to get anywhere and there are a lot of people that are doing a better job than I am. 

The negative cycle I'm stuck in does seem to be getting worse - IBS causes anxiety and hopelessness for me, and this has a knock-on effect on the IBS. You can see where this is going...

It;s difficult to find enjoyment in things when you're in this state of mind. Everything seems like a task and the only escape is the comfort of your own home, yet it's their where you feel most vulnerable and alone. The solace of your own mind is a source of great comfort for some yet for those facing the sort of issues which I'm discussing, it's debilitating.

I want to quit my job. I want to leave my flat. I want to eat better. I want to exercise more. I want to make a difference. I want a fresh start.

Sounds easy, doesn't it?

A starting place for many is online. Researching any potential sources, speaking to others in the same position and desperate searching for a forum or website which shows others in the same position as you. The problem is that IBS isn't consistent - a solution for one person is a source of trouble for another. 

There's been very little structure to this post, it's been more of a reminder to myself and others that it's not stopped just yet. However as I try to regain more control and positivity in my life, I'm hoping the structure and content of this blog can continue to pick up!

Bear with me

An introduction

Time for another day of pretending I'm absolutely fine, not showing any of those around me the internal struggles that continue to limit me.

IBS is something which has had a hold on my life for around the last ten years. I can't say that it has ruined everything - I've had some great times with great people, but it's hard to think about creating any more of these memories when the overwhelming thought is my inability to eat certain foods, take part in activities, spend full days outside the houses. The self-doubt creeps in, the panic, the stress, nothing is simple.

I understand that it's extremely difficult for Doctors to try and treat IBS - it's something which varies from one patient to the next, but as a patient it's difficult to not feel helpless when you've tried various combinations of diets and medicines with little success. "This time things will be better" you tell yourself, only to find six weeks later you're right back where you started - sat at your office desk wanting nothing more than to leave and go back to the comfort of your own home, hiding the pain you're feeling and the overwhelming feeling of panic.

This is how the cycle starts.
IBS is something which makes me conscious about everything I do. Should I eat that food? Should I drink that? How many tablets should I take? Where can we stop on the journey?

Inevitably this causes stress and feelings of hopelessness - you worry over every little detail, desperately hoping to avoid any moments which you may or may not have previously experienced. Any signs of stomach pain or 'the symptoms' sends you into a frenzy - deep breathing, a concoction of tablets, home remedies. Why are none of these working!?

After you begin to obsess over every aspect of your life, you start to feel hopeless. We're told there is no cure, no 'easy fix' - it's only IBS, it's not something more serious. "Change your diet" they say, only to find that eating a banana one day feels great, and then the next sends you into a fit of agony that ends with you curled up on the bathroom floor.

So what is the result of these feelings of panic, stress, hopelessness? IBS.

And so the cycle begins again.
The negative feelings we desperately fight against to keep in control of our lives slowly gain more power. Our stomach reacts to what our mind is telling it - there's no solution, no way out of this problem.

By no means do I claim to know anything about these states, but this is my story. How my life has suffered as a consequence of "only IBS". I've tried various tablets, diets, exercise regimes, hypnotherapy yet I still find myself sat awake at midnight, avoiding the pain that comes with lying down.

I'll continue to provide my story in the hope that it resonates with others, and encourages them and myself that this lifestyle can change and we can win this. At the moment though, it certainly doesn't seem that way.